Letters To Dear Abby

(Not Printed In Newspapers)

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  These two women go everywhere together and I've One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  Never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.  Do you think they could be Lebanese? -- Curious.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust.  Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now, how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years.  He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?  I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I think she is going through mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service.  He's the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: This is the second marriage for both of us.  And when my husband said "I Will" he knew very well he couldn't.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years.  We see each other every night.  He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage.  Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? -- Gertie
Dear Gertie: I don't know.  What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money!  I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.  Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow.  How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment?  He says he's saving for a rainy day. -- FORTY-YEARS HITCHED
DEAR Hitched: Tell him it's raining!

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.  I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday.  What do you think he'd like -- Carol
DEAR Carol: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -- KAY
DEAR Kay: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January.  Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl.  They said the baby was premature.  Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -- Wondering
DEAR Wondering: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.  Forget it!

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -- Curious
DEAR Curious: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -- Jake
DEAR Jake: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women.  Any suggestions? -- Annie
DEAR Annie: Don't worry.  My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.  Any suggestions? -- SAM IN CAL
DEAR Sam: Yes, Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -- TED
DEAR Ted: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you?" -- Rita
DEAR Rita: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. -- ROSE
DEAR Rose: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -- BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.


Actual Accident Summaries

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary car going the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.  To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.  I was thrown from the car as it left the road.  I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.


Loan Request

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.  He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.  After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803.  Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
 Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.  I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.  I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is an emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God who, it is commonly accepted, created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.  He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.
I hope to h--- you find His original claim to be satisfactory.  Now, may we have our d--- loan?"
They got it.



Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.  Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire, yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.  The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now.

BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.  Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface.  The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.

Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session, even if the BOOK has been closed.

BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.  Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once.  The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.

BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest.

Look for a flood of new titles soon.


Meet "Mexican Eskimo" author, Anker Frankoni

Earlier this year I was introduced to the new work of California-based writer, Anker Frankoni. Book one in his "Mexican Eskimo" trilogy is now available in print, Kindle, and Audiobook formats, and although the first release is self-published, the author single-handedly assembled a team of editors, artists, designers, and recording engineers to produce the kind of top-notch work that one would normally expect only of a much larger Indie-publishing imprint. Since securing a contract with book distributor PartnersWest in October, Anker has gotten print copies of "Mexican Eskimo Book 1: Exmikan" placed at dozens of highly respected bookshops across the United States, including locations such as City Lights in San Francisco, Iowa City's Prairie Lights, and three of the most famous Feminist bookstores in the country: Charis Books in Atlanta, Georgia, New York City's Bluestockings, and In Other Words, whose appearances in the hit show Portlandia have put into a category all its own!

So.... What the heck does "Mexican Eskimo" have to do with Feminism?? Beneath its wolf-skin facade of genre-bending magical realism, theoretical constructs of dream-travel and reincarnation, and a strong overlayer of liberal humanitarian politics, ultimately, "Mexican Eskimo" is a story about women, told by a man raised by one that should have been treated much better than she was. Best described as a trip through the dark which ends up in the light, it's a journey through time and the human condition, with a complex back-story featuring generations of unique characters (both human and otherwise) thrust together by fate and circumstance.

Anker says that when he first began stringing the words together, he didn't know he was writing a book. It began as notes he kept as a way of helping to process his mother's suicide, and his place in the complex family histories that led up to it. What resulted is something much bigger than an aid to understanding his own life, and Amazon reviews posted by readers indicate that Frankoni's story has done the same for many of them.

When asked what gives him the energy for such an ambitious publishing project as a sideline to his existing work obligations, and parenting of three school-aged children, Frankoni replies that perhaps the will comes not so much from "what" he has written between the pages of "Mexican Eskimo," but "why" the book had him write it! He says that his story is "literary fiction with a real-world mission," and that 10% of all the money he generates from sales in the trilogy will be donated to non-profit groups working to help stop child-abuse. So far Anker has succeeded in raising just over half of his first-year goal of a thousand dollars, and has high hopes of hitting the target now that copies are on the shelves in so many bookstores at the start of the holiday shopping / reading season.

Of course, getting "Mexican Eskimo" into bookstores is just part of the author's job. The next element of Frankoni's challenge is generating interest in his story once it's there. That's why he is asking for our help right now, because even in today's super-connected world of TwittFaceGramVineTube communications, when it comes to book recommendations, nothing beats a good-old fashioned tip from a real-live friend!

To make it easier for you to decide if you would like to recommend his book to your friends, Anker Frankoni is offering free shipping on the remaining first-edition copies of "Mexican Eskimo Book 1: Exmikan" from his Etsy bookstore through the end of December. Each book from the original print-run is signed, stamped and numbered (xxx of 1,000 — he's delivering copies in the high 600's this week), and all you need to do is enter coupon code MKOXSHIP1214 at checkout for free shipping anywhere in the world from: https://www.etsy.com/shop/MexicanEskimo

Frankoni is currently at work on the second volume in the project: "Mexican Eskimo Book 2: Octopus Asylum." I'm watching this promising new author with intense interest! To keep track of Anker's progress, add your email address to the box marked 'Subscribe for Updates' at www.MexicanEskimo.com, which will also enter you in his next drawing for free books and other prizes, and send you instructions on how to get a free download code for the 9-hour unabridged audiobook from Audible!


Bird Whistle

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to Harvard football field every day wearing a black and while striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game.  When the referee walked onto the field and blew his whistle, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.

The student wrote a thesis on this project... and graduated.


Bird Lovers

Each evening, birdlover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  Rowe even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as Rowe thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with next door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.

"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe.

"That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied.  "So does my John."

Then it dawned on them.


Adorable Pets Reactions When Visiting The Vet

source:  social2

Clueless if where we are going to take them, pets usually feel overjoyed, excited and a bit nervous. But the excitement turned into horror when they found out where the road leads them. Unexplainably, pets react so uniquely when they see veterinarians wearing their laboratory gown. And here they are.


Clients From Hell

source: ClientsFromHell

Client: I really want to make a good impression on our home page - I want a rotating banner with big images that span the entire width of the screen. Lots of them flying at the viewer, make it dynamic, whatever. And most importantly, the site needs to load FAST! I like how Google just pops up for me instantly, each time.
Me: Well… If we go with really big images, and multiple ones at that, it’s going to be a bit -
Client: And it has to have music too.

Me: The first step is to develop a website for  your consumer products
Client: What? No. My daughter, who has an MBA, said the internet is almost full.


"Can you please make the banner image more clear and less sharp?"


A couple days after a software install, a client called and complained that our product was completely broken. He threatened to cancel payments and drop the project. Fuming, he refused anything but on-site support (not part of the contract), and claimed the instructions we left him were useless. He demanded we make the three-hour trip today.

I was shown to the client’s office, sat down, and asked what his password was.

"I don’t know the password, that’s the whole problem!"

His assistant handed him the instructions, and pointed to item number one: on all new installs, the password is the user’s last name. After spelling his name aloud for me, I logged him in. He said thanks and I was shown out. 


 A client called claiming that my email (the last he had received) had carried “trojans and stuff” that had ruined his email. He spent some time shouting unprofessionalism and billing me for the time it’s down. I asked him if the internet was down.

"Yeah, it hasn’t been on all morning. The router is off.  Does the internet need to be on for email to work?"


Trivia Chest 18

#trivia  Chocolate chip cookies were made by mistake when the chocolate in the cookie did not melt properly.

#trivia Amazingly, blue whales can slow their heart rate to four or five beats per minute in order to conserve oxygen during deep dives.

#trivia Marie Curie's notebooks are still radioactive.

#trivia An ostrich's eye is the same size as its brain.

#trivia Caterpillars have about four thousand muscles.

#trivia The Flatfish is born with one eye on each side of its head, giving it a grotesque appearance. As it grows, one eye begins to move until both are on the same side, allowing the fish to lie on the ocean floor and scan above for food.

#trivia  Queen Victoria used a tincture of marijuana to relieve period pains.

#trivia  There is a word that rhymes with orange! It’s sporange: a rare alternative form of sporangium, a botany term that means "spore case."

#trivia  Even Fidel Castro lashed out against New Coke, calling it "a sign of American capitalist decadence."

#trivia  The word “lucky” was rarely used in I Love Lucy scripts. That's because the show’s sponsor, Philip Morris, was in competition with Lucky Strike cigarettes at the time.

#trivia  The concept of community service as a form of probation originated in Alameda County, California, in 1966. It was first used as an alternative punishment for female traffic offenders.

#trivia  There are nearly as many inmates in California state prisons as there are in U.S. federal prisons.

#trivia  In the 1920s, several groups lobbied for a calendar with 13 months, each with four weeks. The new month would have come between June and July. And to reach 365 days, the plan was to add "January 0."

#trivia  Walter Koenig had to wear a shaggy toupee in his first season as Chekhov in Star Trek until his real hair grew out. Reportedly, his mop-topped character was modeled after The Monkees singer Davy Jones in an attempt to lure teenage viewers.

#trivia  The 1980 movie Chariots of Fire was the first movie in nearly fifty years to win an Oscar for Best Picture without winning any of the five other "major" awards (Best Actor, Actress, Director, Supporting Actor, and Supporting Actress).

#trivia  The antennae sticking out the head of a snail aren't feelers; a snail's eyes are located at the tips of those long stalks.

#trivia  Florence Nightingale is not only known as a founder of modern nursing, but also as a statistician, having developed the polar area diagram.

#trivia  Napoleon wasn't short. At 5 feet, 7 inches, he was taller than the average French man of the era. The popular myth about his height is the result of his nickname, Le Petit Caporal (The Little Corporal). Early in Napoleon’s military career, French soldiers used the moniker to mock his low position on the Army’s Officer totem pole. Unfortunately for Napoleon, the nickname stuck.

#trivia  Twinkies originally had banana-flavored filling, but switched to vanilla when WWII brought the banana trade to a halt.

#trivia  President Warren G. Harding once gambled away an entire box of priceless White House china while playing poker with friends in the Presidential Mansion.

#trivia  Charles Richter, the American scientist who developed the Richter scale, was an avid nudist. Rumors persist that his wife was so distressed by his penchant for hanging out naked that she divorced him.

#trivia The Halifax explosion which killed 2,000 people occurred on December 6th, 1917, and was the largest man-made explosion until the first atomic bomb was dropped in 1945.

#trivia The German word "kummerspeck " means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.

#trivia  Liquid measurements are different in Britain than in the United States: A fluid ounce is smaller, while pints, quarts, and gallons are larger.

#trivia  The Eiffel Tower in Paris, France, leans slightly toward the shade on sunny days!

#trivia  Al Capone's brother was a cop.

#trivia  In South Africa prior to 1985, it was illegal for individuals of European ancestry and non-European ancestry to marry one another.

#trivia  1904 Olympic marathon champ Thomas Hicks used an odd sports drink: a mix of brandy and strychnine.

#trivia  Despite the horrific display, nearly two-thirds of those aboard the LZ 129 Hindenburg survived its fiery crash in 1937.

#trivia  Stephen Perry patented his idea for the rubber band in 1845. The London businessman came up with the invention after Charles Goodyear introduced rubber to the world in 1839.

#trivia  The Hudson's Bay Company (now known as "The Bay" or "HBC") is the oldest commercial corporation in North America, having been incorporated on May 2nd, 1670, by British royal charter under King Charles II.

#trivia  Route 66, westbound from Albuquerque, started out as a camel trail.

#trivia  The name for "piggy banks" comes from the use of family money jars in the Middle Ages made from a type of clay called pygg.

#trivia  Despite its reputation as a cosmonaut staple, freeze-dried ice cream only made one mission to space. In 1968, it provided instant sugar rushes to the astronauts of Apollo 7.

#trivia  The Edison Portland Cement Company was one of inventor Thomas Edison’s countless business ventures. Despite supplying cement for the original Yankee Stadium, the company tanked because it insisted on producing concrete everything, including cabinets, pianos, and even entire houses.

#trivia  When the American Civil War broke out, the seceding Confederate states snatched up a good bit of government property. This included everything from forts to arsenals to thousands of post offices stocked full of stamps. Not wanting the enemy to profit off their goods, the Union recalled every U.S. stamp ever issued and declared them invalid for postage. Instead, people were allowed to exchange their old stamps for replacements, which the government had quickly printed with new designs.

#trivia  “Pepsi-Cola” is an anagram for “Episcopal,” which some believe the drink is named after. But then “Britney Spears” is an anagram for “Presbyterians,” so I'm  inclined to discount this theory.


The Forbidden Fruit

source: Clients From Hell

Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?

Me: I use a MAC.

Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.

Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.

Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.


"Take my advice, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins."

Me: [Block Contact]


Trivia Chest 17

#trivia  The first president to earn a PhD was Woodrow Wilson.

#trivia  Some of the first examples of graffiti come from 1st century Pompeii, where messages like “I don’t want to sell my husband” and “Successus was here” were written on walls.

#trivia  Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin were born on the exact same day.

#trivia  During WWII, La-Z-Boy manufactured seats for tanks, torpedo boats, gun turrets, and armored cars.

#trivia  Only one U.S. state's name ends with the letter "K." It's New York. Likewise, only one U.S. state's name ends with the letter "G": Wyoming.

#trivia  It is estimated that 1 out of every 55 Canadian women will give birth in their car on the way to the hospital.

#trivia  Some cultures (especially those in sub-Saharan Africa) give their children names with meanings such as “ugly,” “disagreeable,” or “crippled,” to make them undesirable to demons.

#trivia  In February of 2012, a 28-year-old man in Winder, Georgia, called 911 to report that he was invisible. According to police, he was not.

#trivia  The Vatican Bank is the world’s only bank that allows ATM users to perform transactions in Latin.

#trivia  When 7-Up was invented, it was originally called "Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda."

#trivia  A substance called Ambergris, found in the ocean or on the coast and originating in the intestines of sperm whales, was a main ingredient for many popular perfumes (it has an earthy scent).

#trivia  If you want a spot on the beach in Monaco, you'd better get there early. It has only 3.5 miles of coastline, less than any other non-landlocked country.

#trivia  The indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is called a punt.

#trivia  Ohio State offers a course called "Sports for the Spectator." Students are taught how to be "an informed and appreciative sports spectator."

#trivia  In 2009, Josh Muszynski used his Visa to buy cigarettes. Due to a Visa "glitch," he was charged over over 23 quadrillion dollars. To be exact: $23,148,855,308,184,500

#trivia  Mr. Clean has a seldom-used first name: ”Veritably.” The name came from a “Give Mr. Clean a First Name” promotion in 1962

#trivia  James Barrie, author of Peter Pan, never had kids, but he did have a special affection for the children of others. In 1929 he signed over the rights for Peter Pan to a London hospital that specialized in pediatric medicine.

#trivia  In 1912, Kazimierz (Casimir) Funk discovered the first vitamin, Niacin (or vitamin B3)

#trivia  Dr. Seuss's real name was Theodor Seuss Geisel.

#trivia  The Haskell Free Library and Opera House straddles the Canadian and Vermont border. The actors perform in Canada while most of the audience sits in the United States. There is even a painted line running through the building.

#trivia  The phrase "goody two shoes" comes from a fable written in 1766 by Oliver Goldsmith about a poor little girl who could only afford one shoe.

#trivia  The purpose of gasoline rationing during the Second World War was not to conserve gas, but to conserve TIRES. The primary source for natural rubber at the time was Southeast Asia, much of which was under Japanese control.

#trivia  The 3 Musketeers bar was originally split into three pieces with three different flavors: vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. When the other flavors became harder to come by during WWII, 3 Musketeers went all chocolate.

#trivia  Fifty years ago, the average man first married at 23, and the woman at 20. Today, those ages have increased to 27 and 25, respectively.

#trivia  Albert Einstein never received a Nobel Prize for his theory of relativity.