1) No matter how hard you try,
you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your
Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't
hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old
brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch
6) Reading what people write on
desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is
cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath,
even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a
cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the
11) You can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot
underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be when
you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
1) Raising teenagers is like
nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be
thankful for, if you take the time to look..
For example, I'm sitting
here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) One reason to smile is that
every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the feeling
you get when the monthly payment is due.
5) The best way to keep kids at
home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let
the air out of their tires.
6) Families are like fudge ...
mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Remember the strong oak tree
in your backyard is just a nut that held its ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's like
jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you choose
your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10) My mind not only wanders;
sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm, you
just don't have all the facts.
about growing old:
1) Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of
3) You know you're getting old
when you stoop to tie your
shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you
get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a
5) Perhaps you know why women
over fifty don't have babies: They would
put them down somewhere and
forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how
a two ounce bag of candy can make person
gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head
together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this
week; my schedule is already full.
9) Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the
tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really
11) Age doesn't always bring
wisdom.Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used
to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means no-iron
14) Inside some of us is a thin
person struggling to get out, but they can usually
be sedated with a few
pieces of chocolate cake.
The Four Stages of Life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.