When missing school due to illness, spend the day watching the Big Bang Theory. It will make up for the day's lack of education.
Borrow money from pessimists. They never expect it back.
When meeting your girlfriends uptight parents for the first time, laugh when the empty ketchup bottle makes a farting noise. It is considered proper etiquette.
To make sure you don't fall asleep studying, play loud music. Your parents will be proud of your determination.
If you have a problem, it can be solved with alcohol. Unless your problem is alcoholism.
Wear pants one size bigger than yours, it will make people think you lost weight.
There's no sense in being pessimistic... it wouldn't work anyway.
Flossing is simply a suggestion and should be treated as such.
When talking, use hand movements that have nothing to do with the situation.
Always use "your mom" as a comeback when talking to someone whose mother has passed away. This will bring back joyful memories of their loved on.
When applying for a job, make your references some of your Facebook friends. Your boss will appreciate your tech savvy.
When talking to a foreign person, try to talk with their accent. It will increase the probability of them understanding you.
If she keeps talking about how she wishes she had a date to the dance, bring up the dozens of girls you've turned down. It will make her feel less alone.
Before you go and blow up someone's Death Star, make sure that certain someone isn't your dad.
When doing the laundry, mix the whites and colors. This will show that you are not racist.
When applying for a job at McDonalds, promise to keep the secret oath, "to bring obesity to America." They will appreciate that you did your research and know so much about working there.
To check that your bottle of pepper spray is full and working, lightly mist your face with it.
A week before going to the dentist, don't brush your teeth or floss. Your dentist will appreciate the challenge.
If you can't win the argument, correct their grammar instead.
Open a pack of gum in class, become the most popular kid in school for a few seconds.